“It is imperative that after witnessing a heart attack or some other terrible affliction, that the general public know how to effectively form a motionless circle around the injured party; offering no respite or assistance until the emergency services do or do not arrive.”
This is according to a new study by The Red Cross which has found that too many of the general public are taking it upon themselves to attempt to intervene in a moment of crisis. The “have a go hero” mentality often displayed by those with adequate first aid training is doing little but demonstrating the narcissistic tendencies of these individuals. In addition, it’s stealing the limelight from a depleted NHS paramedic service who clearly strive to take the glory in any emergency situation.
“There clearly isn’t enough emphasis being placed on the value of simply standing and watching as the afflicted party writhes in agony on the floor.” Says chief executive for The Red Cross, Jimmy Jezzabell.
“Our new guidelines aim to assure the general public that it is perfectly acceptable to simply observe an injured party until the emergency services arrive. Preferably in a circular formation so as to ensure increased feelings of anxiety and a lack of breathing room are bestowed upon the casualty.”
The new guidelines state that taking out your cell phone and recording the incident is also highly recommended, but only for those who feel completely comfortable as motionless observers.
When asked about the possible benefits of first aid in an emergency situation for someone suffering a heart attack, Mr. Jezzabell exclaimed, “Ha! You find me the heart attack sufferer who would rather have some stranger attempt to lock lips and massage their chest for 15 minutes rather than that same stranger demonstrate the video camera quality of their new iPhone 7 and I’ll show you a liar.”
Zach changed his name, quit football and now travels the world seeking out spoof news and weak minded individuals in equal measure. A dangerous and disturbing man and quite possibly the most perfect epitome of a Newspoof stakeholder.
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