Almost 95% Of Tube Commuters Are Ugly, New Report Confirms

Ugly People On Train

A new report from the office of the Alignment of Rail Services and Envy (A.R.S.E) has confirmed that 95% of London’s tube commuters are ugly.

The study took 5 men and 5 women from a local modelling agency, stuck them at the exit of Oxford Circus station and asked them a simple, “Would you shag this person?” question.

The results were overwhelmingly negative with at least 6 of the models having to end the survey early to go off and be sick. We assume this was from sheer repulsion, though it could have been part due to the crippling bouts of bulimia to which they are all afflicted.

“These results are appalling. I had no idea that so many uglies were riding the tube in our city.” Said Senior Commissioner for A.R.S.E, Omar Grindrod.

“And now I am to learn that they have been riding in the same carriages as the beautiful people of this city? It’s a fucking disgrace.”

Mr. Grindrod has allocated extensive budget towards the implementation of exclusive, beautiful people carriages, which will be able to ferry the gorgeous around town and shield them from the hordes of ‘mingers’ who may invade their personal space.

“I will not stop spending tax-payers money until this situation is resolved. I think we can all agree that our country would be a much better place if ugly people attempting to ride the tube were just shot on sight.”

Steven Stalking

Steven Stalking

Reporter at Newspoof
Loves the outdoors and the internet in equal measure. Steven began working for Newspoof after an undercover paedophile sting operation went terribly, terribly wrong...
Steven Stalking