British Board of Film Classification Insist Britons Wank To ‘Vanilla Bullshit’

R18 Basically Hardcore

A new study by adult smut site, Pornhub has revealed a long list of newly banned porn types by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) who are insisting the nation ditch their perverted habits and begin masturbating to ecclesiastical vanilla bullshit.

The BBFC, reportedly disgusted at reports of ever increasing sales of industrial sized lubricant coupled with a huge rise in deaths from victims of chronic asphyxi-masturbation, are weighing up options surrounding the banning of the following porn sub-categories:

Pornhub Banned UK Searches

We caught up with local prolific masturbater, Steve Wesley, to voice the opinion of the people;

“What is this country coming to? That’s what I want to know…”.

“If I’m not allowed to simultaneously cane, spank and whip my wife whilst watching a man do the same to 13 Japanese porn stars on a 100 inch 3D TV, all from the comfort of my own home, then maybe this is a country I no longer want to be a part of.”

“First it’s the caning, next they’ll take away our right to watch 47 men consecutively ejaculate on a fat girls’ back.”

Chairman of the BBFC, Lord Barebottom added, “We need to rid this kind of filth from the homes of all British people.”

“I’ve never even heard of the majority of sordid sex acts that we are banning and I thank the Lord for that fact. My wife and I have only ever had sex twice in order to breed our two splendidly ordinary children.”

“And I certainly wasn’t aroused on either occasion.”

Keith Smith

Keith Smith

Reporter at Newspoof
Keith Smith is the vanilla reporter with the blandest name in England, probably the world. He thinks a lot of himself and god knows why. He's a dick.
Keith Smith