Celtic’s Perfectly Executed ‘Kansas City Shuffle’

Celtic Fans

Celtic Fans

Celtic have again been rewarded for a flawlessly executed tactic of misdirection which has seen their team edge closer to Champions League qualification.

Legia Warsaw have been dumped out of the competition for fielding an ineligible player, something Celtic also managed to achieve just three years ago when playing European minnows, Sion, who are reportedly named after the “give me the f***ing red pill” Matrix underground world…

“When I took over from Neil Lennon, I fully expected a manual full of tactics and player information, but instead he just gave me one phone number,” stated new Celtic boss Ronny Deila.

“I called the number and spoke to a man who told me to only address him as, ‘the Grouse’.”

“He told me how he helped Celtic overcome a loss to Sion in 2011. The Grouse changed the dates of Sion’s transfer records to state that 5 players had been purchased during a transfer ban they were temporarily under. UEFA investigated and subsequently had them booted out the competition.”

“When we lost the first leg 4-1 away to Legia Warsaw, I knew what I had to do…”

According to reports, the Grouse, fluent in 62 languages, infiltrated the Legia Warsaw camp and quickly became best friends with manager, Henning Berg.

Then during the second leg game, with Warsaw up 6-1, the result in the bag and just two minutes on the clock, the Grouse leant over to Berg and said, “Why don’t you send on the kid who’s ineligible? Just to see if you can get away with it…?”

Henning Berg, notoriously unable to back down to a bet of any kind, duly obliged.

“That’s what got them disqualified.” continued Ronny Deila. “Needless to say, undeservedly making minuscule advances in European competitions is at the very heart of everything Scottish football embodies. I will certainly be using the Grouse again.”

New technical director of the referees association, Howard Webb, said, “The Grouse? Not heard about him in years. Well done to Celtic though for making dodgy deals to get ahead in football. Look at Russia and Qatar winning those two World Cup bids. It really is what the game is all about these days.”

Keith Smith

Keith Smith

Reporter at Newspoof
Keith Smith is the vanilla reporter with the blandest name in England, probably the world. He thinks a lot of himself and god knows why. He's a dick.
Keith Smith