All Pension Holders Offered ‘Double Or Nothing’ On Life Savings

Pensioners up and down the UK have been offered a once in a lifetime ‘double or nothing’ deal on their accumulated life savings, reports confirm.

The conglomerate of pension companies has introduced the new strategy after finally completing work on their ‘coin toss algorithm’. A piece of proprietary software designed by the pension conglomerate to accurately simulate a coin toss with 99% impartiality.

“This is a fantastic opportunity for anyone with a pension to double their life savings with the simple click of a button.” Reported big fat pink and sweaty conglomerate director, Charles Hayworth Grossfarter.

“The barriers for entry really are that simple, either reply to the email or text message we sent, Tweet one of our hashtags, swipe right on our Tinder profile or make eye contact with any one of ‘evangelists’ on numerous streets around the UK.”

“We’ve made entry so simple that even my 6 year old daughter managed it. Though she doesn’t have a pension. Primarily because her social class has allowed her to avoid the fear and propaganda that typically encapsulate our core demographic.”

Mrs. Redmond from Blackburn was offered the opportunity to turn her £30,000 pension into £60,000.

“I actually tried to delete the message but must have accidentally replied to it and automatically gambled my life earnings on a 50/50 jackpot. It was actually rather lovely for a brief moment, to think that all the 16 hour shifts and 7 day work weeks I did as a cleaner for all those years, might actually give me double the money I worked so hard to save. I couldn’t help but get a little bit excited.”

“Oh no, I lost it all. But I am grateful for the chance to win that they gave me.”

Dakota Fannycycle

Dakota Fannycycle

Reporter at Newspoof
Dakota Fannycycle is our far too industrious reporter from the United States of America. She can typically be found at her desk, furiously writing nonsense at unfathomable rates. In her spare time, she sits silently in a dark room for 12 hours, waiting for work to start again.
Dakota Fannycycle