Newspoof: the news you don’t need at the time you need it
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Alex Turner’s “Who is Kanye?” T-shirt Influential In Kanye West ‘Ye’-brand
Alex Turner’s new t-shirt line was apparently a key factor in forcing Kanye West’s ‘Ye’-brand when he confirmed he would be changing his name in a bid to levy favor with the Arctic Monkey’s front-man (with this tweet): After West discovered that the English rock star hadn’t heard of his moniker, placing an unusual amount…
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Bartender Surges in Social Media Popularity After Changing Bar Jobs
A 32 Year Old Man based in the crap end of Stoke Newington, North London has surged in popularity after moving bar jobs. The middle aged average bartender has switched one up market overpriced Soho bar for another and received a puzzling amount of attention. A move which was quoted by a source close to…
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LinkedIn Business Model: We Took The Very Worst People And Said, “Here You Go…”
An exclusive inside look at LinkedIn’s business model from a former CEO has revealed that the business social network has always been intentionally looking to harbor the world’s very best douchebags in a single place. For a number of years it has been speculated that this was the goal of the tech Goliath but this…
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Conservatives To Continue To CAPITALIZE IMPORTANT POINTS On Social Media In 2018
THIS IS WHAT VALIDATES MY PRESENCE ONLINE. It worked in 2017 and by the grace of the lord it will probably work in 2018 too.
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Dad’s Farting Finally Subsides Following Christmas Dinner
“There was a deal on Brussel Sprouts that was just too good to turn down.” Said Mum. The sentence struck dread in the entire Smith family who knew that their father’s penchant for all things fibre would wreak havoc upon their Christmas celebrations. The chilling reminder of the “black bean Christmas breakfast fiasco” of the…
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“Standing And Watching” Is A Critical Bystander Response In An Emergency, Says Red Cross
“It is imperative that after witnessing a heart attack or some other terrible affliction, that the general public know how to effectively form a motionless circle around the injured party; offering no respite or assistance until the emergency services do or do not arrive.”
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White House Efficiency Dictates Trump’s Next Son Be Named “Douchebag”
No longer can Donald Trump’s naming conventions for his seemingly never ending conveyor belt of offspring be allowed to flirt with the peripheries of subtlety and metaphor. Now that the Orange man is president, his next son must be named “Douchebag”, sources close to the White House have confirmed. Trump has come close on previous…
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Girlfriend Perplexed Boyfriend Doesn’t Know Ending To Movie Neither Have Seen Before
Amanda Taylor, girlfriend of two years to Scott Turner, was massively perplexed last night that Scott didn’t know key plot developments of a movie neither of them had seen before and were only five minutes into. “There was this creepy guy at the start of the movie and it looked like he was making some…
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People Arbitrarily Using “LOL” Probably Pedophiles, Warns Police
A monumental increase in the number of people arbitrarily using the word “LOL” online has prompted a stern warning from local Police authorities stating, “Watch out. They’re probably paedos.” Shocking exponential increases and evidence of flagrant online uses of the acronym “LOL”, in situations where the abbreviation is completed uncalled for, have lead to widespread interventions…
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Local Man Offers Homeless Person Look Of Sympathy In Lieu Of Cash
Whilst making his way to the barbers, local man Robert Gardener today resorted to offering a homeless person a look of fake and exaggerated sympathy in lieu of the cash he kindly requested. “I just didn’t have enough time to think it through. I turned the corner and he was sat just there, cap in hand, asking if I could spare some…
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People Who Put “Obligatory” Photos on Facebook Don’t Know What “Obligatory” Means
A sharp increase in the number of people putting “obligatory” photos on Facebook is likely due to poster not fully grasping the words meaning, a new report confirms. A huge surge in the number of people posting “obligatory” images or check-ins on Facebook has prompted the company to review its terms & conditions to ensure…
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Mental Health Foundation Reclassify Lunatic as Person Who Uses Facebook as Diary
The Mental Health Foundation today reclassified their definition of the word ‘lunatic’ (the highest grade of mental) to encapsulate users of Facebook who seem to think the social platform is a diary. Uses of Facebook as an online diary, e.g where a user talks about mundane tasks they have completed that day or intend to complete…
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