Author: Dakota Fannycycle
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Alex Turner’s “Who is Kanye?” T-shirt Influential In Kanye West ‘Ye’-brand
Alex Turner’s new t-shirt line was apparently a key factor in forcing Kanye West’s ‘Ye’-brand when he confirmed he would be changing his name in a bid to levy favor with the Arctic Monkey’s front-man (with this tweet): After West discovered that the English rock star hadn’t heard of his moniker, placing an unusual amount…
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White House Efficiency Dictates Trump’s Next Son Be Named “Douchebag”
No longer can Donald Trump’s naming conventions for his seemingly never ending conveyor belt of offspring be allowed to flirt with the peripheries of subtlety and metaphor. Now that the Orange man is president, his next son must be named “Douchebag”, sources close to the White House have confirmed. Trump has come close on previous…
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Local Man Offers Homeless Person Look Of Sympathy In Lieu Of Cash
Whilst making his way to the barbers, local man Robert Gardener today resorted to offering a homeless person a look of fake and exaggerated sympathy in lieu of the cash he kindly requested. “I just didn’t have enough time to think it through. I turned the corner and he was sat just there, cap in hand, asking if I could spare some…
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General Election Succeeds In Exacerbating Truth That We All Fucking Hate Each Other
Shutterstock The results of today’s general election have put to rest two months of moronic banter which has done nothing but successfully uncover the deep-rooted abhorrence that is felt amongst the UK populous. Reigning matriarch of the British Isles and long time Gin fanatic, Liz No.2, has bequeathed sovereignty to existing bastard of twisted paradigm,…
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Man Inadvertently Shows This Morning’s Porn To Hundreds Of Commuters
A London man suffered indescribable embarrassment this morning as he opened up his smartphone browser, only to display the hardcore pornographic imagery he had been thrashing his fleshy phallus to that very morning. “They all saw it.” Commented Ben Nevis, whose name has been changed for legal reasons. “I just didn’t see it coming. There…
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Channel 5 Launch Rival To HBO Epic Named ‘Game Of Benefits’
Channel 5, the notorious British TV channel famed for expertly exploiting the working class, has decided to launch a fantasy epic based on a council estate in Mansfield called, ‘Game Of Benefits’. The show is centred around 5 families from North Nottinghamshire. The main theme of the show involves the families constantly bidding to control…
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All Pension Holders Offered ‘Double Or Nothing’ On Life Savings
Pensioners up and down the UK have been offered a once in a lifetime ‘double or nothing’ deal on their accumulated life savings, reports confirm. The conglomerate of pension companies has introduced the new strategy after finally completing work on their ‘coin toss algorithm’. A piece of proprietary software designed by the pension conglomerate to…
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Pedophile Given ‘Keys To The City’ As Lucky 1,000th Pedophile Arrested This Year
A Doctor, who was initially arrested in London today, has instead been given the ‘keys to the city’ as the lucky 1,000th pedophile arrested in the UK this year. Dr. Manboy Loveparti was awarded the prestigious prize of keys to the city after his lawyer uncovered a loophole dating back to the early 1900’s. Dr.…
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156th Retail CEO Praised This Year for Recognising ‘Digital is the Future’ in 2014
Yet another CEO of a large conglomerate retail firm has been wheeled out of their temperature controlled lair to announce that, “Digital is the future for global retail”, only to be as quickly rolled back from whence they came. In this year’s 156th identical piece of PR for PR firm, Shit’s Too Easy, David Boshchild, CEO…
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Single People Contemplate Installing Tinder for 17th Time
Single people around the world are reportedly contemplating installing Tinder again, for an average 17th time. Tinder – the last bastion of solace for singletons since 2012 – has been repeatedly installed and uninstalled by many, believing they are too good for the platform, only to immediately return to it. “I’ve been in and out…