Author: Keith Smith
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People Arbitrarily Using “LOL” Probably Pedophiles, Warns Police
A monumental increase in the number of people arbitrarily using the word “LOL” online has prompted a stern warning from local Police authorities stating, “Watch out. They’re probably paedos.” Shocking exponential increases and evidence of flagrant online uses of the acronym “LOL”, in situations where the abbreviation is completed uncalled for, have lead to widespread interventions…
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Ravers Quickly Learning To Avoid People Who’ve Never Experienced Sleep Paralysis
Ravers the world over are noticing a common theme between people they don’t want to hang out with and people whom have never experienced sleep paralysis. This realisation could not have come at a more convenient time, with the height of festival season and the beautiful Summer weather leaving ravers with very little free time on…
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European Football To Introduce ‘Penalty Or A Goal’ For 2015/2016 Season
FIFA are going to introduce the tried and tested playground model of ‘penalty or a goal’ in time for the 2015/2016 season. This is amidst claims from Sepp Blatter that it could “help settle thousands of on pitch disputes” and ultimately speed up the game. Just as it seemed that global football might be turning…
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Lonsdale Directors Thank Eastern European Community For Record Breaking Profits
Directors at sportswear brand, Lonsdale, have publicly thanked the Eastern European community for solely engineering their business to a year of record breaking profits, through the relentless and perpetual purchasing of only Lonsdale branded clothing. Special thanks also went out from Lonsdale to David Cameron and the coalition for opening the doors to Bulgaria and…
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Pope To Resit Sunday School Exams After Claiming Jesus Would Have “Battered Some Fuckers”
Pope Francis has been asked to return to Sunday School classes and resit a final examination test again after claiming that in the face of provocation one should respond with violence. After his outburst, it is reported that an aide took him to one side and reminded the Pope that Jesus, “did not frequently retaliate…
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British Board of Film Classification Insist Britons Wank To ‘Vanilla Bullshit’
A new study by adult smut site, Pornhub has revealed a long list of newly banned porn types by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) who are insisting the nation ditch their perverted habits and begin masturbating to ecclesiastical vanilla bullshit. The BBFC, reportedly disgusted at reports of ever increasing sales of industrial sized…
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London Considering Numerous Human Traffic Measures Around City
Boris Johnson today announced that, amidst the ongoing negotiations surrounding the pedestrianisation of London’s city centre, installing pedestrian only traffic lights and other pedestrian traffic safety systems would be “largely unavoidable”. The Human Cattle Project, as it has been coined, would be aimed at minimising the sheer volume of Human Cattle on London’s city streets…
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Unemployed Man Rides Tube During Commute to Quell Agonising Loneliness
An unemployed man living in London has taken to riding the underground during busy commuter hours, just to feel the warmth of other human beings. Our reporters have confirmed. John Killaminty from Turnham Green has been living in the city for a number of years now, but after the breakdown of his marriage, he has…
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Fat Celebs File Lawsuit Against iCloud Hackers
A number of grossly obese celebrities have filed a lawsuit against the iCloud hackers – who have leaked hundreds of attractive celebrities nude photos – after questioning why their accounts weren’t also hacked and accusing the hackers or being ‘fatists’ Hundreds of nude celebrity photos have been leaked over the last month from numerous iCloud…
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UN Decides the Path to World Peace Requires More War
In light of increasing tension in the Middle East and Ukraine, the United Nations held an emergency summit yesterday at which they decided that world peace could only be attained by increasing the number of wars. “There is no greater influence for peace than the prospect of war.” Comments British Envoy to the UN, Marshall…