Author: Steven Stalking
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Dad’s Farting Finally Subsides Following Christmas Dinner
“There was a deal on Brussel Sprouts that was just too good to turn down.” Said Mum. The sentence struck dread in the entire Smith family who knew that their father’s penchant for all things fibre would wreak havoc upon their Christmas celebrations. The chilling reminder of the “black bean Christmas breakfast fiasco” of the…
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Girlfriend Perplexed Boyfriend Doesn’t Know Ending To Movie Neither Have Seen Before
Amanda Taylor, girlfriend of two years to Scott Turner, was massively perplexed last night that Scott didn’t know key plot developments of a movie neither of them had seen before and were only five minutes into. “There was this creepy guy at the start of the movie and it looked like he was making some…
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Mental Health Foundation Reclassify Lunatic as Person Who Uses Facebook as Diary
The Mental Health Foundation today reclassified their definition of the word ‘lunatic’ (the highest grade of mental) to encapsulate users of Facebook who seem to think the social platform is a diary. Uses of Facebook as an online diary, e.g where a user talks about mundane tasks they have completed that day or intend to complete…
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Woman Dies After Making Final Pointless Scroll Down Facebook News Feed
A British woman sadly died today after making a fatally pointless scroll down her Facebook news feed. Early toxicology reports indicate that a combination of sheer boredom and self loathing ultimately contributed to her demise. Sally Tinglegooch from Peterborough had reportedly taken the day off from work after feeling slightly unwell, only to be presented…
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‘Shitting Yourself’ Voted Literally The Worst Thing A Guy Can Do When Meeting New In-Laws
In a recent nationwide survey by stillsingle.com, shitting yourself when meeting new in-laws was voted as the worst thing that could possibly happen in that situation. The survey provided 5 options taken from real life stories at stillsingle.com’s forum; recently voted the most depressing forum on the internet. The full results of the survey were…
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Facebook To Immediately Attribute 100 Likes To Engagement, Pregnancy & Baby Posts
Facebook has made a change to its algorithm which will instantly attribute around 100 likes to any post announcing an engagement, pregnancy or infant baby photos, a Facebook spokesperson has announced. “Manipulating the emotions of our consumers are part of the very core values that Facebook holds dear.” Said Senior Tech Evangelist, Josh Kowalskini. “Studies…
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‘Sydney Siege’; Retail Giants Battle For Sponsorship Rights To Hostage Situation
In the wake of the news that a suspected IS affiliated gunman held hostages in a cafe in Sydney’s CBD, retail Giants Wal-Mart, Amazon & Target have all been quick to bid for exclusive sponsorship of the siege. Whilst many people across Australia and the rest of the world have been compassionate and loving in…
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Almost 95% Of Tube Commuters Are Ugly, New Report Confirms
A new report from the office of the Alignment of Rail Services and Envy (A.R.S.E) has confirmed that 95% of London’s tube commuters are ugly. The study took 5 men and 5 women from a local modelling agency, stuck them at the exit of Oxford Circus station and asked them a simple, “Would you shag…
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Russell Brand’s Revolution Will Begin on a Tuesday, Sources Confirm
Sources behind Russell Brand’s revolution have confirmed that after much debate, the revolution will properly start on a Tuesday. The day was picked as it is likely be the “shittest day of the week” and therefore everyones’ diaries should be pretty free from doing other stuff. “We thought about doing it on a Monday, what…
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Pedophile Group Labelled as ‘Luddites’ for Refusing to Adopt Cloud Technology
A national pedophile group has been labelled as ‘luddites’ by a major technology company after trialling their cloud solution for SMEs, only to revert back to their tried and tested combo of clunky old hard-drives and 3½ inch floppy disks. The pedophile group, which has been perverting the nation since 1997, has been using computers for…