Category: Greatest
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Girlfriend Perplexed Boyfriend Doesn’t Know Ending To Movie Neither Have Seen Before
Amanda Taylor, girlfriend of two years to Scott Turner, was massively perplexed last night that Scott didn’t know key plot developments of a movie neither of them had seen before and were only five minutes into. “There was this creepy guy at the start of the movie and it looked like he was making some…
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Benedict Cumberbatch Quick To Assure Public All Posh People Are Racist
British star of TV & Film, Benedict Cumberbatch, recently managed to assure his ever growing fan-base that all posh people have a unique capacity to be abhorrently racist, should one find ones-self sufficiently out of ones depth. Benedict Cumberbatch was being interviewed on American TV network PBS when he decided to wind back the clock…
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Facebook To Immediately Attribute 100 Likes To Engagement, Pregnancy & Baby Posts
Facebook has made a change to its algorithm which will instantly attribute around 100 likes to any post announcing an engagement, pregnancy or infant baby photos, a Facebook spokesperson has announced. “Manipulating the emotions of our consumers are part of the very core values that Facebook holds dear.” Said Senior Tech Evangelist, Josh Kowalskini. “Studies…
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Almost 95% Of Tube Commuters Are Ugly, New Report Confirms
A new report from the office of the Alignment of Rail Services and Envy (A.R.S.E) has confirmed that 95% of London’s tube commuters are ugly. The study took 5 men and 5 women from a local modelling agency, stuck them at the exit of Oxford Circus station and asked them a simple, “Would you shag…
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Single People Contemplate Installing Tinder for 17th Time
Single people around the world are reportedly contemplating installing Tinder again, for an average 17th time. Tinder – the last bastion of solace for singletons since 2012 – has been repeatedly installed and uninstalled by many, believing they are too good for the platform, only to immediately return to it. “I’ve been in and out…
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Pedophile Group Labelled as ‘Luddites’ for Refusing to Adopt Cloud Technology
A national pedophile group has been labelled as ‘luddites’ by a major technology company after trialling their cloud solution for SMEs, only to revert back to their tried and tested combo of clunky old hard-drives and 3½ inch floppy disks. The pedophile group, which has been perverting the nation since 1997, has been using computers for…
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Train Companies Perform Satanic Ritual to Evoke Icelandic Volcano
Train conglomerates across Europe have recently returned from a mass satanic ritual at the peak of the Dyngjujokull Glacier where they were trying to evoke the infamous Volcano into eruption. Hundreds of share holders and directors of some of Europe’s largest train firms, all came up with the idea after having waited four years since…
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Festival Haters Look Forward to Buying up Big Event Tickets for 2015
A recent Ticketgeezer.com survey has found that the majority of people who snap up priceless early-bird festival tickets, for big events like Glastonbury and Bestival, are actually way more in love with the idea of a festival than actually going to one. “We’ve successfully applied for Glastonbury tickets for 9 years running and stay at…
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Fat People Officially ‘Taking the Piss’
A new survey from the office of national surveys has ascertained the collective mentality of the nations fats, and that they are actually, ‘taking the piss’. “I’ve been taking the piss for some time now…” comments Beth Lardeson. “I was never really overweight growing up but put on a little weight in my early twenties.…
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Christians Report That ‘God Was About To Perform Miracle Before Human Intervention’
A new statement from the Christian church has announced that God was about to save that boy from getting hit by a car, before some mindless human bystander intervened. An investigation by the Christian Research and Papal Supremacy group (C.R.A.P.S) has found that God was indeed going to perform many miracles, as recently as last…
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Everyone ‘Must Pick a Side’ in Relation to the Gaza Conflict
Pro-Palestinian and Pro-Israeli supporters rallied together to lynch a group of people who refused to take sides in the Gaza conflict, unconfirmed sources have rumoured. One of the supporters stated, “We might hate them and they might hate us, but that’s nothing compared to the hate we have for someone who doesn’t hate anyone.” “Just…