Modern family sexpot Sofia Vergara has finally come clean about her genetically advanced appearance, admitting: “Yep, I’m a cyborg. Did you really think a humanoid could have my boobs, arse and face? Not on your nelly sunshine.”
In a new no-holds-barred book, “More than just circuitry”, Sofia reveals how she was designed and built by two teenage “nerdingers”, whose intellect was only outweighed by their masturbation regime: “Before me they were pulling themselves off 7 or 8 times a day”. Unfortunately for them, Sofia soon grew tired of their puny frames, geeky banter and premature ejaculation, and sought to use her inexplicable looks to “make it big” in Hollywood.
In a dramatic oversight by the teenage geeks, they designed her with the ability to think and speak. Sources close to the pair say they’re “kicking themselves”, adding, “we must look like right idiots. We know for a fact Zuckerberg has an army of mute babes in the basement of Facebook”.
Sofia explains that she’s just like everyone else, apart from the fact she’ll never age, doesn’t require sleep and goes through 4 cans of WD40 a fortnight.