Category: UK
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General Election Succeeds In Exacerbating Truth That We All Fucking Hate Each Other
Shutterstock The results of today’s general election have put to rest two months of moronic banter which has done nothing but successfully uncover the deep-rooted abhorrence that is felt amongst the UK populous. Reigning matriarch of the British Isles and long time Gin fanatic, Liz No.2, has bequeathed sovereignty to existing bastard of twisted paradigm,…
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Jeremy Clarkson’s Vile Racist Smog Causes UK To Miss Solar Eclipse
Jeremy Clarkson’s unjustifiably overinflated ego has been spewing a putrid racist smog which has caused the vast majority of the UK to miss out on the rare solar eclipse phenomenon this morning. The unique and wondrous marvel of the solar eclipse, which gives all people an opportunity to reflect on the beauty of our solar…
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Man Inadvertently Shows This Morning’s Porn To Hundreds Of Commuters
A London man suffered indescribable embarrassment this morning as he opened up his smartphone browser, only to display the hardcore pornographic imagery he had been thrashing his fleshy phallus to that very morning. “They all saw it.” Commented Ben Nevis, whose name has been changed for legal reasons. “I just didn’t see it coming. There…
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Channel 5 Launch Rival To HBO Epic Named ‘Game Of Benefits’
Channel 5, the notorious British TV channel famed for expertly exploiting the working class, has decided to launch a fantasy epic based on a council estate in Mansfield called, ‘Game Of Benefits’. The show is centred around 5 families from North Nottinghamshire. The main theme of the show involves the families constantly bidding to control…
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All Pension Holders Offered ‘Double Or Nothing’ On Life Savings
Pensioners up and down the UK have been offered a once in a lifetime ‘double or nothing’ deal on their accumulated life savings, reports confirm. The conglomerate of pension companies has introduced the new strategy after finally completing work on their ‘coin toss algorithm’. A piece of proprietary software designed by the pension conglomerate to…
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British Board of Film Classification Insist Britons Wank To ‘Vanilla Bullshit’
A new study by adult smut site, Pornhub has revealed a long list of newly banned porn types by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) who are insisting the nation ditch their perverted habits and begin masturbating to ecclesiastical vanilla bullshit. The BBFC, reportedly disgusted at reports of ever increasing sales of industrial sized…
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Pedophile Given ‘Keys To The City’ As Lucky 1,000th Pedophile Arrested This Year
A Doctor, who was initially arrested in London today, has instead been given the ‘keys to the city’ as the lucky 1,000th pedophile arrested in the UK this year. Dr. Manboy Loveparti was awarded the prestigious prize of keys to the city after his lawyer uncovered a loophole dating back to the early 1900’s. Dr.…
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Almost 95% Of Tube Commuters Are Ugly, New Report Confirms
A new report from the office of the Alignment of Rail Services and Envy (A.R.S.E) has confirmed that 95% of London’s tube commuters are ugly. The study took 5 men and 5 women from a local modelling agency, stuck them at the exit of Oxford Circus station and asked them a simple, “Would you shag…
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London Considering Numerous Human Traffic Measures Around City
Boris Johnson today announced that, amidst the ongoing negotiations surrounding the pedestrianisation of London’s city centre, installing pedestrian only traffic lights and other pedestrian traffic safety systems would be “largely unavoidable”. The Human Cattle Project, as it has been coined, would be aimed at minimising the sheer volume of Human Cattle on London’s city streets…
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Unemployed Man Rides Tube During Commute to Quell Agonising Loneliness
An unemployed man living in London has taken to riding the underground during busy commuter hours, just to feel the warmth of other human beings. Our reporters have confirmed. John Killaminty from Turnham Green has been living in the city for a number of years now, but after the breakdown of his marriage, he has…